How Your Childhood is Sabotaging

Your Love Life

Have you ever wondered why siblings often have different memories of the same event, each with their unique version of what their childhood was like? The answer lies in our nature as ‘meaning-making machines’. Our memories are constructed based on the emotional impact an event had on us at any particular age.

The Formation of Our Emotional Blueprint

From birth, our brains are like clean slates. Our caregivers, family, environment, school, and other influences begin writing on these slates. During the first 7 years of life, our experiences shape our brain’s blueprint. This period is crucial because our brains are highly impressionable, and the experiences we have form the foundation of our emotional responses.

By around age seven, our ego develops, serving as our protective mind, shielding us from perceived physical and emotional threats. This blueprint continues to evolve through adolescence and into early adulthood, accumulating what we often refer to as ’emotional baggage.’ Everyone carries this baggage; no one grows up without it.

The Unconscious Influence on Adult Relationships

When we start dating and forming intimate relationships, we often present the best versions of ourselves. However, under stress or in familiar triggering situations, our unconscious mind takes over, revealing our ‘dark side.’ These triggers often stem from coping strategies developed in childhood, which may no longer serve us well in adult relationships.

Taking Responsibility and Understanding Triggers

When conflicts arise, it’s essential to slow down, take a breath, and reflect on our role in the situation. Often, our reactions are not truly the fault of our partners; they have simply triggered an existing button within us. Understanding what’s behind these buttons is key to managing our emotional responses.

Recognising the Roots of Unhappiness

Recognising the roots of unhappiness involves understanding our triggers and how they affect our relationships. Intimate relationships are particularly powerful because they magnify all our emotions, bringing both immense joy and significant anguish. This magnification is why we sometimes find ourselves in uncomfortable or sticky situations with our partners.

Listening to Understand

Listening to understand means truly hearing what your partner is saying and recognising the emotional data behind their words. As Dr Susan David reminds us, “All emotions are data.” This means our emotions are filled with insights from our life experiences and form the basis of our perspectives. By examining these emotions, we can better understand our reactions and work towards healthier interactions in our relationships.

Conclusion

Slow down and take a breath. Focus on understanding your partner’s perspective and recognising the emotional triggers behind your reactions. By taking responsibility for our emotions and understanding the data they provide, we can foster deeper connections and create more harmonious relationships. Remember, investing in understanding and managing our emotional triggers is a valuable step towards a happier, more fulfilling partnership.

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